Many couples do exactly what Greg and I did, says Carol Ummel Lindquist, Ph.D., author of "Happily Married with Kids: It's Not Just a Fairy Tale" and a mom of two. We give plenty of attention to our children and not nearly enough to each other. And over time, that shift in focus can start to hurt even the most solid relationships.
"The irony is that a strong relationship with your partner is one of the best things you can do for your kids," Lindquist says. "You and your husband are modeling a good relationship, which sets your children up for better marriages themselves when they grow up."
Sounds ideal -- but tough. First of all, we're just more tired. Who's got the energy to be romantic after spending a day at the beck and call of a baby?
And then there's all that unabashed baby love. More than one doe-eyed mom I know has sheepishly admitted that, for a while, she loved her new baby more than her husband.
How can you keep a focus on your marriage when most of your time and energy is devoted to your kids? "Try to treat your relationship with your partner as the one that's most important in your life -- even more than the one with your children -- and the whole family will benefit from it," says John Rosemond, a family psychologist and author of "John Rosemond's New Parent Power."
Sounds harsh to put your baby second? Rosemond says he isn't suggesting that parents forget about their kids' needs, and he admits that there will be some natural relationship neglect during the first years of your child's life. But, he says, it's actually pretty easy for you to do small things that will convey to each other -- and to the kids -- how much you value your relationship.
Sure, you hug your kids and pet your dog every day. But do you greet your husband with the same enthusiasm? Once in a while, kiss and hug as if one of you is going away and you aren't going to see each other for a week.
You don't need a whole weekend away or even a regular "date night" to keep the spark alive. Dov and Chana Heller, both Beverly Hills-based marriage therapists and the parents of five, take short walks alone to catch up when they can.
Another option: Pair up to chauffeur the kids to daycare or pick them up from an activity, and use the kid-free portion of the commute or waiting time to chat.
"When my kids were young, everyone went to bed by eight-thirty every night, no exceptions," says Mary Anne Koski of Lake Oswego, Oregon. She and her husband, Kent, raised nine kids, and the only time they got to spend alone was at the end of the day.
Chore time can also be prime couple time. After putting their daughter to bed each night at 7:30, Jessica Boulris and her husband, Brad, of Pawtucket, Rhode Island, turn off the TV and listen to music while they make lunches for the following day, iron clothes, or fold laundry.
There's an added benefit to this kind of couple time: "Because we're helping each other get stuff done, there's no resentment about who does more," says Jessica.
Ask yourself, "What did we used to have fun doing together?" Whether it's listening to live jazz or playing miniature golf, try it again.
Most of us have criticized our husbands for not feeding or dressing our kids exactly as we would do it. "But this can make dad feel more like a parenting aide than an equal partner," says Rosemond. And if he doesn't think you trust him to take care of your kids as well as you do, resentment can build.
Colleen Langenfeld of Monument, Colorado, and her husband actually prefer a "date night" at home, rather than out. They rent a movie, put their two boys to bed, and pop a few frozen dinners in the microwave so nobody has to cook.
If you can appreciate that the challenging times in your marriage are temporary, you're less likely to feel trapped. Feeling disconnected from your partner while your kids are little is going to happen -- and it doesn't mean that your marriage is on the rocks.
No matter how hard it may be at times, investing in your marriage now, while your children are young, is vitally important. "One of a child's greatest anxieties is the fear that her parents won't stay together," says Rosemond. "So what is a child's greatest comfort? Knowing that her parents' relationship is as strong as it can be."
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