Candy Kane, Pete Maas, and Richard Glasscock Wish Their Parents Read This

So you will have to forgive me for my unexplained absence last Friday and yesterday. Family emergencies came up and I went four straight days without once turning on a computer or checking my email. I think it's a new record. Needless to say, here is what I intended to have for Friday's post. * Today's Friday Featured Guest Writer is one of the funniest women I know. That is, she's an incredibly funny writer. I haven't actually met her but I enjoy her daily posts that make me laugh so hard, I often pee in my pants. So thanks Susie Sunshine for being today's guest writer. If you haven't read her blog yet, you can do so here. Other than religion, politics, or whether Britney's breasts are real, nothing inspires more heated discussion and debate than possible babynames. Baby name books frequently begin by reminding parents that a name is the first gift you give your new baby; COMPLETELY forgetting the freeroom and board so generously provided the mother for the past nine months. The real gift is ignoring suggestions that recycling ancestral namessuch as: Fanny, Hepsibah, Dudley, Ebenezer, Skelton, or Mehitable (all actual names in my husband's genealogical history) is a way to get Great-Great Aunt Ethel to leave you her estate and to make yourin-laws love you. Guilt and greed are powerful tools, but for the sake of your unborn child, resist the force. Family guilt is the only way I can explain otherwise sane young parents naming their newborn "Harold Richard Hunt". I'm sure the grandfathers were pleased to be included in little Harold's moniker, but when he hides in the bathroom crying during recess to avoid the taunts of being a hairy dick hunter, they might feel differently. The line from the Cheers opening song, "where everybody knows your name" makes it seem like a good thing. But when everyone knows your name because it's so incredibly AWFUL, that is a life long burden to carry. Just ask Harry Beaver or Nascar driver Dick Trickle. So watch carefully for hidden slang or meanings when combining first and last names. There is a good chance this child will chose your rest home in the future, and "Ima Hogg" might not be feeling generous at that point in her life. Another tip: avoid names of famous people and the names of their kids (of course, this isn't a problem with names like Moon Zappa Unit or Apple). Looking at this chart you can pinpoint the exact year Kathy Lee Gifford made Cody a kid name instead of a cheap perfume. Chances are if you are a fan and name your offspring after your idol's, other people in your school district will have as well. Do you really want your kid to be one of the fourteen Lolas in her graduating class because everyone admired how skinny Kelly Rippa got after giving birth? Another name problem I've noticed seems to be contained to girl names. Please stop using slight variations of the same name. I get very confused if the name is Mikayla, Mikyla, Kayla, Kylie, Kyla, Kaley, Kiki, Coco, or Caa Caa. ENOUGH! And one last request, also regarding girl names. I have four sons. Now, go look at a baby name book. You'll notice that looking for boy names is a lot like looking for baby boy clothes. Oh sure, the stores have them. You'll find five blue outfits stuck in the corner, hidden in the sea of thousands of pink and purple and lavender tiny dresses, Capri's, sun suits, hidden behind and matching ruffled and ribboned accessories. There are approximately 2.3 million adorable girl names and 27 acceptable boy names. Mothers of girls, STAY ON YOUR OWN DAMN SIDE OF THE NAME BOOK! Once a name starts getting used on girls, it's gone to boys forever. No one wants to give a sissy name to a son. So as the mother of males, I DEMAND that: Carson, Taylor, Austin, Cameron, Corey, Jordan, Mason, Spencer, Tanner, and Blake be returned to the parents of boys. The world can only hold so many Michaels, Johns and Stevens before it explodes.